


John Watson is the Best Man for the Job (and Sherlock Holmes Should Get Over it and Have a Shower)

by kyaticlikestea



Series: John Watson's Blog [10]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Crack, Humour, John Watson's Blog, John's blog, M/M, blog entry, don't invite sherlock to a wedding, or a funeral
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-28
Updated: 2012-05-28
Packaged: 2017-11-06 05:09:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/415052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyaticlikestea/pseuds/kyaticlikestea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'I’m sorry it’s been a while since I posted. Well, I say ‘a while’. It’s only been a few days, and I’ve gone a lot longer than that without posting in the past! However, those times were markedly different in that I hadn’t inadvertently caused a wedding proposal, so I can understand your tetchiness and e-mails telling me to update. Honestly, though. Fifty three e-mails in two days? You lot are starting to act a bit like stalkers.'</p><p>Or, in which Sherlock's dedication to the role of of best man would be admirable, except for the fact that he isn't actually the best man.</p>
            </blockquote>





	John Watson is the Best Man for the Job (and Sherlock Holmes Should Get Over it and Have a Shower)

**Author's Note:**

> No longer homeless, but still ill. Exam tomorrow. Computer died three times while trying to upload this. My God, I'm dedicated to you (but you're all worth it).

**29th May, 2015  
Wedding Belles**

I’m sorry it’s been a while since I posted. Well, I say ‘a while’. It’s only been a few days, and I’ve gone a lot longer than that without posting in the past! However, those times were markedly different in that I hadn’t inadvertently caused a wedding proposal, so I can understand your tetchiness and e-mails telling me to update. Honestly, though. Fifty three e-mails in two days? You lot are starting to act a bit like stalkers.

Well, the wedding planning is all going swimmingly, as can probably be expected when one of the grooms is a minor British government official. And before anyone comments saying ‘it’s not a wedding, it’s a civil partnership’, I’d urge to re-read the previous sentence. Mycroft plays such a small role in state politics that he’s somehow – completely unrelated to his job, I’m sure – managed to secure documentation for a full-on, legal wedding. I assumed this might mean they wanted to hold it in a church, but nope; it’ll take place in one of Sherlock’s family estates. I’m imagining Pride and Prejudice. I’m hoping Lestrade will hire Colin Firth to jump in a lake or something because honestly I find weddings rather boring most of the time. Something tells me this one will buck that trend, though…

Well, I have to sign off here. Sorry for the short post. I’m off out with Lestrade to get me fitted for my best man suit! Cheers for this, mate. I’m going to be the best best man you’ve ever had (and you’ve already had one, so I have competition!) 

**44 comments**

i’m so excited for this! congratulations to the happy couple :) xxxxxx  
 **Molly Hooper, May 29th, 14:12**

Thanks, Molly – we’re quite excited too!  
 **Lestrade, May 29th, 14:17**

Oh, I’m thrilled at your impending nuptials, Lestrade. Far more thrilled than John. And yet he’s the best man…  
 **Sherlock Holmes, May 29th, 14:24**

Don’t start, Sherlock  
 **Lestrade, May 29th, 14:29**

Who’s starting? I am merely remarking on the fact that this is the first such event to occur within the Holmes family for over two decades and I am relegated to the role of a mere guest. It is unacceptable; with two grooms, surely this is as good a chance as any of enrolling two best men? Or is Mycroft the bride?  
 **Sherlock Holmes, May 29th, 14:34**

Two best men would complicate things and this is precisely the bloody reason we chose John – he doesn’t make a scene!  
 **Lestrade, May 29th, 14:37**

And the fact that he’s a good mate, obviously  
 **Lestrade, May 29th, 14:38**

‘Make a scene’? Oh, Lestrade; I take umbrage at the mere suggestion.  
 **Sherlock Holmes, May 29th, 14:41**

Sherlock, dear brother; at the tender age of thirteen, at the betrothal celebration of the unfortunately doomed match between cousins Tybalt and Louisa, you announced, in full view of everyone present, that Tybalt had been – how did you put it? ‘Tickling the fancy of the butler’. You had had ample opportunity in the four hours prior to the tea party to voice your concerns in private. You chose to reveal the evidence – a used condom, which you had stapled to a portrait of poor Tybalt’s face – whilst wearing a cape, standing on the buffet table. Forgive me, then, if I look upon your desire to be appointed best man with more than a hint of disbelief. In other news, Gregory; steer John towards suits in blue hues. They will suit his colouring more than the brown one I know he will attempt to purchase.  
 **Mycroft Holmes, May 29th, 14:46**

Oh my God, we made the right decision  
 **Lestrade, May 29th, 14:51**

I can hardly be blamed for cousin Tybalt’s indiscretions. Unless either you or Lestrade is having it away with a butler, you have nothing to fear from the best man’s speech I would prepare. The part of my speech dedicated to Lestrade would be undeniably humorous.  
 **Sherlock Holmes, May 29th, 15:02**

And no doubt the part dedicated to me would be full of ill-disguised barbs about my previous weight and current employment status?  
 **Mycroft Holmes, May 29th, 15:06**

Oh, this is going to be good. I’m in the evidence room at Scotland Yard if anyone wants to join me. I have crisps but there’s only cheese and onion left, so bring your own if that’s not to your fancy.  
 **Sally Donovan, May 29th, 15:10**

give me 10 mins  
 **Anderson, May 29th, 15:13**

Of course not, Mycroft. It would be full of entirely fabricated tales of two boys running through grassy meadows, uprooting buttercups with chubby fists and pretending to be in Neverland. That’s the childhood you want people to think we had, isn’t it?  
 **Sherlock Holmes, May 29th, 15:16**

I would prefer to discuss this another time, Sherlock. Preferably in private. Now, go and have a shower; I’ll warrant you are still drenched in sour milk from your ‘experiments’ this morning.  
 **Mycroft Holmes, May 29th, 15:18**

Owch  
 **Sally Donovan, May 29th, 15:20**

You’ll ‘warrant’ nothing, Mycroft; it’s all on camera, isn’t it? Ooh, if I give a little wave – did you see that?  
 **Sherlock Holmes, May 29th 15:22**

Waves usually consist of more than one finger, Sherlock.  
 **Mycroft Holmes, May 29th, 15:25**

I tailored it to my current situation. I can show you again if you like. I believe it will revolutionise communication in Parliament; perhaps you could try it next time you’re in the company of dear old [name removed for security purposes]?  
 **Sherlock Holmes, May 29th, 15:27**

Sherlock!  
 **John Watson, May 29th, 15:30**

A car is on its way to you, Sherlock. It will arrive in ten minutes. Get in the car.  
 **Mycroft Holmes, May 29th, 15:32**

Mycroft!!  
 **Lestrade, May 29th, 15:34**

I am merely trying to resolve the situation diplomatically, Gregory.  
 **Mycroft Holmes, May 29th, 15:35**

Family isn’t meant for diplomacy! March over there and punch him in the mouth or something, that always made me feel better as a kid  
 **Lestrade, May 29th, 15:38**

Not that you’re kids  
 **Lestrade, May 29th, 15:40**

I’m going to go and lock myself in a changing room and cry until one of the assistants asks me if I need any help, then I’ll direct her to Sherlock’s flat, where you’ll be beating him up. I’ll ensure you get off with justifiable homicide, it’s fine  
 **Lestrade, May 29th, 15:43**

I appreciate the offer, Gregory. My brother is here, however; we shall reconvene this discussion later.  
 **Mycroft Holmes, May 29th, 15:45**

Oh boys, you’re always arguing! Mrs Turner’s married ones are awfully quiet compared to you lot. I wonder if that’s something to do with marriage? Although even after I married my husband, you could never shut him up. It’s Mrs Hudson by the way, I’m at Mrs Turner’s because something’s leaking through my ceiling. I think it’s milk. Could you have a look at it later, John? Thank you, love Mrs Hudson  
 **Marie Turner, May 29th, 15:48**

I’ll look, yes, but I won’t touch. I’ve bought a suit, for anyone who cares.  
 **John Watson, May 29th, 16:30**

I care! LOL!! Pictures!!  
 **Jacob Sowersby, May 29th, 16:43**

no this isn’t a photo blog this is where we document sherlock’s greatness!!  
 **theimprobableone, May 29th, 16:46**

Greg and Mycroft, mates, you made the right decision. John was my best man in ’93 and he did a stellar job!! Probably still be married now if it weren’t for him though lol my wife always fancied him a bit…  
 **Bill Murray, May 29th, 16:51**

io lveorgh !! a new esscue to weare my dressss!!!!! live you johnnnnnx xxx  
 **Harry Watson, May 29th, 17:09**

Mycroft, I maintain that having your minions drop me off at an undisclosed location in Exmoor was unnecessary. Thank God for my homeless network or it might have taken me another few hours to get home and I would have NOT missed your wedding by another few minutes!  
 **Sherlock Holmes, May 29th, 18:09**

Oh my God, everyone, reconvene in the evidence room…  
 **Sally Donovan, May 29th, 18:15**

MYCROFT HOLMES  
 **Lestrade, May 29th, 18:19**

It was me, actually. He was practising his best man speech in the car. I’ve never heard the word ‘plastering’ used in that context, and so many times in one sentence. I’m sorry, sir. I couldn’t take it any more. I’ll send a malt loaf.  
 **Anthea?, May 29th, 18:34**

Make it a fruitcake and I’ll forgive you, even though Sherlock has just walked in the door, covered in animal turd and what smells like human piss.  
 **John Watson, May 29th, 18:37**

Is it too late to call the wedding off?  
 **Lestrade, May 29th, 19:02**

Oh yes. In fact, I was considering implementing a strategic and convenient national holiday; my brother has finally driven Anthea to the edge, and if that is not cause for Britain to take a small break, then nothing is.  
 **Mycroft Holmes, May 29th, 19:34**

Better make it a bloody chocolate gateau, Anthea; Sherlock just fainted on my new suit. My new, £350 suit. It now reeks of ale and urine. If this is the designated ‘best man’ suit, I delegate all responsibilities to Sherlock.  
 **John Watson, May 29th, 19:41**

I’m going to shut myself in a wardrobe for half an hour, let me know if anything changes  
 **Lestrade, May 29th, 19:46**

Can you stop off at Spar on your way back into the closet, sir; we’re out of crisps.  
 **Sally Donovan, May 29th, 19:52**


End file.
